Like the rest of all the decent high blood pressured, office dwelling, working-for-the-man people in the world, I use an elevator to do most of my vertical traveling. However, it is becoming more and more transparent to me that many people do not understand that there are a set of unspoken laws one must abide by when using this method of travel. I will help the less intelligent/considerate folks out there who need to be told how to use a god damn elevator because apparently their momma thought it was something they could learn on their own, and she was WRONG.

1. Pressing the button to the wrong floor: There are many possible times this could happen…I am going to stick to the arriving to/leaving from work scenarios. In both situations, don’t tell me you are sorry. Get your head out of your ass, and press the right floor next time. Cause if you don’t, I swear they will not be able to recognize the body. Your either making me later for work then I already am, or you are postponing the drinking binge I indulge in every night from having to work with idiots like you. Furthermore don’t act like you did something good when you hit the wrong button and then some one happens to get on that’s going to that floor. Nine times out of ten that’s not going to happen, your not psychic, and you have successfully moved one step closer to getting an ass whoopin.

2. Arriving elevator patrons: When you are waiting with the rest of your worthless good for nothing suit wearing corporate cunt co-workers after eating food that will hopefully kill you one day, do just that and WAIT. Don’t fucking try to rush your way on to the elevator while I am trying to get off of it, and don’t stand right in front of the doors so the first thing I see is your nasty face staring at me like I am holding you up. You have already been waiting there, what harm could it do to wait a few more seconds. You are not important. Your work does not make a difference. You are not special. I don’t enjoy having to rub up against your sweaty/old/ugly ass while you hobble your way in. However, I am not mean to all. Special rules apply to good looking women. Mainly, you are permitted to do this if and only if you rub up against me.

3. 1-3 Floors: Unless you are in a wheelchair, are crippled, or are extremely old, don’t ride an elevator (especially down, that shit gets on my last nerve) if you are only traveling one to three floors. I mostly see heavy breathing, lard assed, cupcake eating, swine’s doing this. And for what? Because their knees hurt if they do or something??? Hey you fat bitch think about this, if you did more walking other then to and from the fridge you might not be a cancer on our society and you would not have problems with your body. I am tired of people wasting my precious time riding from floor to floor because they are too lazy to walk up a flight of stairs. I hope you choke on your dinner.

4. Putting miscellaneous limbs into the closing doors: Really? Do I have to say anything else? Other then being a completely boneheaded thing to do, what are you accomplishing? Ohhhhh, look at me I am not scared of the doors closing on my “insert miscellaneous limb here”, I am a man of action, I get things done. You know what? When you lose an arm, just out of pure physical hatred I am going to wipe my ass with it and proceed to beat the breath from your chest. Please also notice that while I am beating you, you are wasting my time and will incur any other version of punishment I deem necessary at that particular point in time. Find another ride asshole.

5. Loud talking: Myself, and any other sane elevator riding patron does not care what your whore of a wife made you for dinner last night, and we for dam sure do not care that your boss is hurting your feelings. Suck it up. Your wife does not love you and is cheating on you with your best friend or a Mexican, go buy a gun and take care of your business. Your boss hates you and has been trying to give you a reason to screw up at work so he can fire you. WALK your ass up to the top floor of your building and do us all a huge favor and take the plunge. By walking up to your fate and taking life by the horns, you don’t get in my way while I am riding the elevator the way it was intended.

In conclusion, if you feel you are breaking any of these sacred rules, I guarantee you are pushing someone somewhere closer to their breaking point. You have been warned.