Put aside all of your preconceptions about extraterrestrial life. Such as they are far far away, and they are advanced creatures with unity and the quest for knowledge as their goal. They are here and they have been breeding with us for quite some time now, and they have something else in mind all together. I have undeniable proof.

My girlfriend likes to country line dance, apparently this is a very popular thing to do in the more rural areas of our quaint little country. I being the sane, and logical city boy that I am have never once imagined that I would have to witness a live action Michael Jackson video unfold before my very eyes.

Now, don’t think that I am losing my touch now y’all. The only reason I went out there with her was to meet her friends and she promised me chicken strips, a strip tease, and a nice chocolate covered desert at the end. I though it was a fair exchange and agreed willingly. Though…I think this was part of her plan…

Had I known then what I know now, I may have thought twice.

As proof of my presence I submit these two links:

Just Popping In.

Skerd Out Of My Mind!

Now that my presence at this gathering of suspicious individuals has been substantiated. I will let you view the rest of the hair raising photos:

The Tractor Twang’s March 4th 2006 Album.

As you can see from the photos they are massing on what looks like a flat linear antenna. I imagine that this combined with their coordinated steps is a stealthy way to transmit status updates back to the cloaked mother ship that I have calculated as being 0.5 light years from us in the direction of Gamma Cassiopeiae in the constellation Cassiopeia.

From the aggressive nature of the dances I believe that the end times are near. They have out witted even the most studious of real humans by concentrating in areas where the people fit the term redneck, and hillbilly very very well. Thus over time, making it hard to distinguish between real and alien. They are planning a massive attack. With each cell updating almost every weekend as far back as the early nineties.

Throughout history real humans have become one with our expressive art forms. Paintings for visual stimulation, music for aural stimulation, and dancing for body stimulation. The aliens have witnessed this and exploited its very nature. By pretending to dance or move rhythmically with popular music they have found a way to mask their actions.

I think this post may be my last…I sense they are tracking my very thoughts. I must let the world know they have to learn our adversaries weaknesses. They are particularly attracted to bright shiny objects near the mid section or belt buckle area of the body, they have an affinity for Budweiser beer, shotguns, and tobacco products in which you do not smoke. They usually download new information from the mother ship through a program known to us as NASCAR.

If we can stop their communication to and from the mother ship I believe they will eventually stop being able function properly as they are not suited for our atmosphere. Bad teeth and a very swollen oxygen converter in the front of their necks usually where the Adams apple of a normal human would be are sure signs that they need new methods prescribed by the mother ship to survive our harsh planet.

I do not know if my girlfriend has been converted or if she is simply working for them. Upon my discovery she was very eager to make light of the situation and said I was crazy and I should forget about those bumpkins being aliens. I told her I would and that I had a good time, but that was just a lie. It was then I knew she had some kind of affiliation with them. I hope her friends aren’t associated with the aliens. They were very nice and I liked them all. I wanted to warn them, I just couldn’t be sure.

I will be traveling to the west coast in the next few days as this is where I believe the main entry point to the planet was. I will look for the tell tale signs that we have been infiltrated.

I will continue to spread my knowledge, and God willing save us all from the growing threat to our way of life…wish me luck!

By now I am sure you know my buddy Troy and his oh so super white Mother.

Well she has been up to it again! This time she was dancing to and singing her rendition of the popular Black Eyed Peas song My Humps. It should have been called Blow Chunks. Cause after seeing it that’s what I felt like doing.

Here is the link to the video. It’s wrong on so many levels. What’s even better is the fact that after he recorded all of this, he called me and said I had to post on it. Upon seeing it I was promptly admitted to the hospital for shortness of breath. I feel I must let you my avid readers know what it is like to see the face of death and live to tell about it.

Troy, you my friend are truly going to hell. Just make sure you bring the beer when you do, I heard it’s pretty hot down there. We can’t be parched while enjoying an eternity getting poked in the ass by little sexy demonettes, right?

I do not know what else to say, you simply have to see it for yourself to know what I mean.

WARNING: This link contains questionable material of a very graphic and incandescently white nature. View at own risk. http://www.ttosbt.com/ nor any of its affiliates will be responsible for loss of lunch, sight, sanity, ability to sleep, and or will to live.

Troy’s Momma Shaking Her Groove Thing 110Kb (QuickTime 3gp codec required. Get the plug-in here.)

This is one of those “I guess you had to be there” stories…yet it was still pretty funny hearing it second hand. So I am obliged to share.

My mother as dear to me as she is, has a hell of a mean streak. I can’t complain it’s genetic and I of course have it too. I use mine daily and couldn’t imagine life without it, so I am glad it was given to me. It’s a feature, not a flaw. Though sometimes, it can cause problems.

Unlike mine her streak is fairly under control and really only shines when dealing with certain personalities, if she is really stressed out / cornered, or woken up.

When I say personalities I mean ones like the one her husband has. Let me explain his for a little bit. Deep down he is a good person, I have no doubt. I think he had a rough childhood, and that may be why he act’s like he does sometimes. He is a wonderful father to my baby brother, and for that one quality he should be commended. I am not making excuses I just don’t want you to think I hate the man. I don’t hate him, I just find him hard to deal with. His temper is very short fused, and once that fuse has been burned it’s best to just not talk to him because he is negative, ignorant, and just plain nasty. Though be aware that the fuse can be burned by not buttering your toast on the right side, ok… He tries to compensate for his short fuse by acting overly jovial and friendly. Which in it’s self is annoying, and is the main reason I think my Mother flips out on him like she does sometimes. Maybe it’s the fake quality to it she doesn’t like.

How they ever decided to get married is beyond me and I have stopped trying to figure that one out. They have very very conflicting personalities and one of them is always setting off the other one for some reason or another.

Ok, on to the funny part. He cannot get a checking account because his crack head sister decided to spend money that was accidentally put into her checking account he co-signed for. Of course when she saw the extra money the first thing she did was take it out and inject it into her blood stream. When the bank came-a-knocking asking for the money back, she refused to pay on the basis it was hers because the bank messed up. They then turned to the co-signer. He didn’t have the money to repay the bank and they promptly closed the account and black listed both of them. Thus the reason he cannot obtain a checking account, and this was more the a year ago.

Well, since my Mother and him are still technically married she has the ability to write checks for him. So she does. He gives her the cash, she deposits it, writes the checks, and sends out the bills. It’s a good system for them and it works. This particular time there was a miscalculation. She told him he owed her $23.00 dollars. In which case he said all I have on me is a twenty and gave it to her. She accepted it and wasn’t going to sweat $3.00 dollars. Later on he calls her on the job and says your wrong I only owed you $3.00 dollars not $23.00 dollars. Cornered, and a little pissed she was getting a talking to over $20.00 dollars when she goes out and buys the stamps and writes all the checks she started feeling what I like to call the waves. Indicative of the streak about to surface. So she told him she would talk to him about it later when she had the checkbook in front of her and it could be validated.

Shew, she wipes her brow and says to her self one less argument to worry about. She places her phone back into her purse and makes her way in the door after a long day of work. My little brother Gary sensing something was the matter asked her, “What’s up?” So, like any normal family they went into the only room in the house where it’s safe to talk shit about even the almighty him self and not have to worry about a thing. The kitchen. She puts her purse on the counter and proceeds to tell him why she looks like she is about to pop a vein. He like any good son, and in this case I would say justly, agrees with her. He asks why her husband can’t get a checking account. My Mother probably responded along the lines of, “because, he is an idiot.” So on and so forth…

*RING* *RING* *RING*

She digs for her phone and answers it. “Hello?” Her husband responds all choked up, “Hey, you know I heard everything you just said right?” Then tells her he has to go. The whole time they were talking shit they were unaware there was a secret ear listening in. When she plopped the purse on the counter. Guess what the phone did. It called him, on speed dial number three. I guess since she was starting to get mad she forgot to lock the keypad. Really, what are the chances of that happening??? That night apparently pretty darn good.

I can imagine the feeling she must have gotten after she had been caught doing something that people do every day, in private. That hot rush to your face, that sinking feeling in your stomach, the desire to go back in time. Picturing my Mother going through that and imagining her husband all upset was the funniest thing I have heard in a long time. I don’t know why. Guess it’s my mean streak.

See..like I said, you had to be there.

So, moral of the story. In this technological age, never talk shit unless you are 100% sure no one is listening.

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