You know what to doooooo, shake it like a polaroid picture.

I don’t smoke, but I imagine the feeling is the same for that first puff in the morning and the feeling I get after seeing American Idol…I feel somehow rejuvenated, at one with the Earth and all of it’s life. Ok, maybe not that. You get the point, right?

I never used to watch it, I am not really a reality show / addictive television person. I like to stick to the classics. You know, stuff like South Park, Ren & Stimpy, The Fresh Prince Of Belair…etc. Stuff that made me laugh as a child makes me laugh as an adult. Is that so wrong?

Yet, I find my self hooked. I am not proud of it…I realize it’s dirty. I can’t help it. It’s good boob tube y’all.

Now, for what I think.

That neanderthal up there…I hate him. He can sing, but I think he is way too ugly to be the next American Idol. Look at the guy. He is like a mix between a shaved chimpanzee with downs syndrome, and a dark haired Eminem. His very sight makes me shiver. He should be living in a dam cage somewhere and for the good of the human race never be allowed to procreate.

(While making purring noises, and a few dry humps into the air) Wow. I cried a little when Becky got the boot. She couldn’t sing so I guess it was a good choice, and given that she is as easy on the eyes as she is it would have been proof that God is a prick if she could have sung. Still…my bottle of lotion will not see much use now that she is gone. Who am I trying to kid…yes it will. By the way, have you seen her and her twin (yeah, there is TWO of them) sister’s Maxim spread???

I think this guy has the next spot on lock down. Given that American Idol needs a rocker, this guy sure has been filling the spot. The other two guys were either too hippy or too creepy. I would steal his music if I had the chance. If I was a betting man, I would put my money on him. Though, he will have a hard run with contestants like, Taylor Hicks, Lisa Tucker, and Katharine McPhee up against him. Plus, his side burns are awesome.

Oh…and FUCK pretty boy Ace. I just hate him because he is prettier then I. Stupid curly haired dreamy twat stealing up all the poosy for himself…

Hello my few but beautiful readers,

Have you been looking for that special way to say thank you or happy birthday to a loved one? How about a unique way to make someone close to you feel special just because? Well, have I got the site for you!

http://redtreestudios.com/

They offer a wide variety of funny and cute ways to do just that!!! Find the best e-card for your occasion and make someones day brighter!

SIKE!

Maybe, if I was a fat retarded menstruating woman that’s what I would have said after I saw that revolting pastel nightmare. I must as a sane person vote this as the absolute worst the world wide web has to offer.

Really!? Who sends stuff like this? I tell you what, if I were to receive shit like this I would have to hunt you down, gain your trust, rob you blind, and finally cut off your fingers and shove them up your ass (Maryland Regulation 1.405-A Section 12).

Wanna know the number one reason for spousal abuse in the world?

E-cards from RedtreeStudios.com.

Every last one of the cards on that site (Yes, out of sheer hate, and mostly boredom I looked at them all.) seem like a 100% valid reason for beating and leaving your wife, girlfriend, and/or family.

Hey, RedtreeStudios. I got an idea, HIRE A NEW FUCKING WRITER! QUICK! This one is going to get you thrown out of a plane.

RedtreeStudios, I, with all of my being, hope you fail because your accountant has stolen money from you right under your nose and you are forced to eat a bullet because you can’t afford the rent any more all while your wife if cheating on you with a giant black man.

Also, don’t ask me why I was on an e-card site. I will just lie, and most importantly after seeing the types of trash that site has to offer I promptly changed my dam mind. So you have nothing to worry about. Stuff like this is why the world is doomed.

I hate you RedtreeStudios…I hate you.

God, I hate red-coats…(dry heave)

Look, look at this shit…(dry heave)

How gross is that???

Whoever you are NEVER come to my site again, I don’t want your nasty belly button essence somehow migrating the ether and ending up on me. I don’t even want to know what else you got that has a bad odor to it.

You want to know how to stop that mess from happening?!?!? It’s easy, and fun!

TAKE A SHOWER!

Use some hot water and soap to neutralize the disgusting bacterial growth you got going on in your dark places. Also, for God sake…use FIREFOX! Ya stupid British dirt-ball…

Even worse out of 1,500,000 search results in Google…I am on the first freaking page. Thanks for nothing Google…people who have stinky belly buttons in all corners of the globe can feel happy knowing my site is here. This post will probably serve to reinforce my position in the search results when someone searches on belly button funk. Damn…

I am going to make this one quick because I don’t really feel like typing right now.

So…here ya go…in no particular order.

The good

• Naked chicks
• Naked chicks
• Lot’s of gory blood spraying action
• Ethnic diversity
• Fireworks
• Excellent jump & gross-out factors
• Nail-gun trickery
• Poser getting his shit split by an engine

The bad

• Lack of originality
• Redundancy
• Spooky digital camera
• Unconvincing methods of death

The ugly

• Loud-mouthed talking on the cell phone black asshole I almost had to take outside and go old school on

On a side note. I can’t stand sitting next to people I don’t know in movie theaters. I am sure there are a lot of people like me…I know there are. There is always that one seat buffer, that people always have their coats in and say “Oh, this seat is taken.” Be it because they hog the arm rest, have an annoying nose whistle, or are just plain aggravating something needs to be done. That is why I suggest gliding movie seats. They will interlock and move. That way you can arrange the seats anyway you would like without having to worry about who you are going to stab next. The seats have a lock on the bottom and will rest in pre-defined slots. Simply press down the lock and the seat moves freely until you find a resting place for it. BAM! No more getting pissed off because your sitting next to a greasy high school student and/or immigrant.

PATENT PENDING!

If anyone takes my idea and makes money, I reserve the right to haunt them when I die and give them wedgies and Indian burns for all of eternity when they die.

Bottom line, if you liked the other two you will probably like this one (it is almost the same movie as Final Destination 2 except with a roller-coaster and no story). It is worth the money, though if they plan on making another, their gonna need to turn it up a little. Just find a theater where people actually know how to act (which is, in my experience almost impossible near Baltimore, Maryland).

This movie gets two whistling brown starfish.

The end.

As dirty as the title sounds I am not talking about giving The National Aquarium a rim job.

My girlfriend and I went there this weekend. I was excited to see the new Australia exhibit. Besides from being crowded, it was worth the cold Light Rail ride and short walk down.

After we saw the Dolphin show we took a look at the Frog’s which was really cool. They had all kinds of those delicious amphibians. The Giant Toad was amazing…I swear it looked like a dam football with eyes. Some frogs bite, which I didn’t know. I also learned that girls love taking pictures of little frogs for some reason…

We then went on the usual route in the Aquarium. I have been there four or five times before, so nothing was really new.

After that it was on to the main attraction.

Unfortunately, the Australia exhibit was a little disappointing. Considering the amount of money they have been talking about spending on the exhibit it was exceedingly bland. I wanted more information…the usual exhibits at the aquarium are full of little fun facts and data on the animals. This I found, was lacking. I know the Aquarium is for things that swim and all, but I wanted to see a God damn Kangaroo…is that too much to ask?!?

Another thing I didn’t like was the freaking picture taking. I don’t know why, it just makes me crazy. If I don’t want my darn picture taken I am going to act like I didn’t see you and keep walking by. So don’t come asking me if I want you to take my picture. I am with my woman, and I couldn’t exactly throw you off the little bridge with all the witnesses around like I wanted to. Die, you dirty picture taking, cheap free prize pushing bitches.

All in all I had a good time, the company was great and I learned some new things about frogs and saw me some fish that didn’t have any eye balls…very weird indeed.

I recommend it to anyone that is interested in that kind of stuff. Just make sure you bring something that smells like shit, even better yet a piece of shit or a machine gun. That way you can see what you want, when you want and you don’t have to worry about little kids or old people getting in your way.

Being the proud owner of one of the best little pieces of technology I have ever run across, the Sony PSP, I am very interested about the fate of the Playstation line of gaming consoles from Sony, and it’s impact on that whole branch of entertainment.

With all the heat Sony is catching from the now infamous rootkit debacle, and with some important financial advisors saying Sony is going to lose money. I am worried that the once prestigious and honorable Sony will be given its just deserts and have the mask removed to show it’s true colors. Which is not a bad thing, at least not in my eyes, any thing that is popular has been risen to that level on the shattered dreams of other people. It really is quite beautiful.

Simply put, all of the bells and whistles that make owning the PSP a dream are also some of it’s downfalls. If the PSP was strictly an advanced handheld gaming system, with no web client, music playback, photo decoding, etc. It would still be just as popular as it is now. All that extra added shit just hikes up the price (so says Sony) and makes it harder for most to obtain. Why give it to us and in the same breath tell us that we can’t take it to it’s full potential??? Owning a piece of hardware that has been crippled is a terrible feeling, kind of like saying arrest black babies before they become criminals…I understand, but it just ain’t right. Plus, thinking your engineers are superior to us by trying to lock out certain functions is just silly. We can and WILL hack into, crack, and modify anything and everything until out heart’s content. A wise Borg once said, “resistance is futile.”

Even monkeys learn from their mistakes.

Gaming consoles are just that…gaming consoles.

The reason the older versions of Nintendo did so well is because they had a plethora of games, and those games were, in their own respects fan-fucking-tastic in relation to the technology available at that time. I still regularly play most of the ones I own (over 400 of them grey little boxes of joy). The same goes for the SEGA, and the two earlier variations of the Playstation. If next generation gaming consoles even want a glimmer of a chance to succeed they need to realize their roots, and use the available technology to make some bitching games.

Everything else is just an added bonus.

Take for example the recent release of some new details on the PS3. From the article:

* The PS3 will have an Itunes type service to let you download HI DEF movies, music, etc…

* The PS3 will take the media center functionality the 360 has even further.

* PS3 will serve as a location free player for the PSP, means you can watch the DVD’s that you have in your PSP on your PSP (from anywhere in the world), or any other video files you have on your ps3, though this is still only being planned.

* PSP will be able to send its files straight to the PSP from anywhere in the world, and it can also control its DVR functionalities

Granted, as neat as all that sounds, I have to ask why???

I could really give a shit if I am allowed to buy movies and watch it on my PS3. If I want to watch a dam movie, I will rent one…or borrow it from a friend and burn it. The same goes for the location free base station functionality, I don’t care, I will probably have to pay for the service and as I have stated…if I want to watch a movie, I will bring what I have bought for my PSP, Laptop, etc…

Oh, and another thing. If I am already paying for internet, FUCK and I do mean every last letter of that word, paying for the ability to play games online. Quit trying to line your damn pockets.

Lighten up all you gaming console makers…all I (and I am sure most of the gamers out there agree) want, is a high-definition kick ass gaming experience. I don’t want it to be able to make coffee, walk the dog, or calculate the trajectories of deep space objects. I want it to be able to perfectly render breasts and the jiggle factor of those breasts. I want it to be able to make me shit in my drawers if it’s a scary game and I am playing it in the dark. I want it to stimulate my mind in such a fashion I cannot put the paddle down for days on end.

If any of those gaming console makers can hear me out there…be true to your self. Step on the little man and make games that cause parents to shutter and priests to blush. Give us, the indigenous and faceless youth of the world our demands.

I am telling you, if you don’t…when your out on the street asking for spare change, make sure I don’t see you. Cause if you don’t, in the words of the ugliest Clay Aiken wannabe I have ever seen…I’m a get you.

I, BEING OF SOUND MIND, ABSOLUTELY AND COMPLETELY, NOT JUST MERELY, BUT MOST SINCERELY, 100%, HATE MATH…

Not that anyone cares, and I am pretty much just bitching. I just had to write it down. Just incase I forget it one day and think that taking another math class is a good idea, I can read this and realize how much of a twat I am and burn my self to death with battery acid…

Also, why on this green earth are Chinese or Chinese looking (any non-round eye’s of our species) motherfuckers so dam good at it? Do they have a different neurological structure that enables them to think differently then the rest of us? Maybe eating nasty raw shit out of the ocean and random animal knuckles give them a special vitamin that helps them retain it better, I dunno.

Naaa…I can’t be mad at them. I am sure there are somethings they suck at, that we excel in…it’s a good balance.

We are good at extortion, high-levels of selfishness, and making large sums of money. That way we can buy all their fancy electronic devices, which help make us more efficient at doing what it is we do best…

World domination.

I don’t really have to learn math. One day I will rule over thousands who will do it for me.

I feel better now. All warm and tingly…

The title of this post makes reference to spam, I want to be clear on my meaning of spam though. In no way am I making reference to that slimy meat coagulation which is a sickening shade of pink, or better known as the heart attack in-a-can produced by Hormel (Which, in all defiance to logic and sanity, has a fucking fan club. Reason #7 on the big list of why humanity is doomed). I am talking about the scourge of the modern e-mail bin.

So, from now on. When I make reference to spam, I am talking about all unwanted e-mail… Hmmm, now that I think about it. Unwanted e-mail and that dirty meat are pretty similar.

Alright, new rule. Whenever I make reference to spam, you can use either definition.

Pictured above is a sampling of my own pre-filtered so called spam messages in G-mail. Let’s take a moment to let that image sink in.

…

…

Ok, good.

That picture begs the question…

What exactly is spam???

I never told G-mail that “dirty girls getting…” or “teen sucks…” is spam!!!

Now, ponder why one would waste bandwidth for things like “Jaeger-LeCoultre replica watch…” and “she thinks you are perfect…” To make money! I think those types of messages are the true spam.

The delightfully filthy filthy or filthy² contents of the other ones are simply help for internet users such as you and my self. They provide links to free materials and goods. We keep putting strain on the poor souls who are trying to deliver us from self extinction. After all, porn is one of the least appreciated but most used tools in the propagation of our species.

The internet is good for one thing and one thing only.

Porn, and all of it’s derivatives. Everything else is just filler.

Sometimes people need help in finding the good porn sites. I do not think the Internet and in turn the World would be what it is now without the imagination and dedication of the porn industry.

I tip my hat to you porn industry. Keep up the good work!

That being said…I urge everyone who reads this site to say no to spam and yes to perverted new ways of getting off.

Come on y’all, let’s live forever!

As always, I got to point out the steamy hotness first.

That chick up there in the picture, Camilla Belle is very MMM MMM delicious. She is the updated heroine Jill in a remake of When A Stranger Calls. I had to hide my love for her from my girlfriend by pretending like I was screaming at the scary parts of the movie. When in all actuality I was trying to get Camilla’s attention so I could profess my undying love for her. Ok, ok…maybe I was screaming because they were genuinely scary parts, one can dream can’t he?

The movie was pretty good, it started off a little slow but hey I can’t complain…the scenery was magnificent. There was an intro where some big old white detective looks in a room and is so set back at the gruesome scene has to close the door. Then they show the coroners taking the bodies out in multiple bags, inferring that they had been ripped apart or something.

Other then the profuse ringing of the God dam phone throughout the whole movie and the completely asinine way Jill had to answer it every freaking time…it kept my attention fairly well. The main part of the movie was set in a beautiful modern looking home, with some nice lighting effects.

Also, if Jill was any indication of how a babysitter acts, I will never hire one. She checked on the kids all of two times, the first time was because she got a crazy phone call and the second time was only because she wanted to get the hell out of the house. Sick or not…I would have been checking on them dam kids way before that.

There could have been some nudity (it’s always appropriate), and a few more dead people, either that or one of those annoying little kids could have been dropped in a lawn mower, drowned in the tub, used as a human shield, or something…I’d say the little girl…the little boy was bad ass.

Finally, the movie seemed to have no real direction…the killer wasn’t really part of the movie at all and you only got to see his face once. The story line was very broken and certain aspects of the movie could have been expanded on way better then they were. It was all pretty tame if your asking me, and if your reading this don’t think you aren’t asking me, cause you are.

I haven’t seen the older version of the movie, but if it is anything like this one then I would probably watch it if I was bored. Not to say that this movie sucked, I just wouldn’t pass up a day at the dentist to go see it again.

I will give this movie three and a half whistling brown starfish.