There is a basic principal of human interaction that I don’t think we take into consideration nearly enough as a society these days.

Simply put, people act collectively. A person on the other hand does not.

This iron-clad rule if improperly implemented could possibly and unfortunately pose a very real threat to the people involved.

The evidence of this has been probably unknowingly witnessed by you many times. Stampedes, Mass Suicide, and Election Day 2004 are all prime examples of this rule in all its glory. Do you think any one of those people involved in the events mentioned above would have reacted like that had then been actually using their brain and thinking for themselves? Hell no.

Not to say that acting collectively is not a good thing from time to time. I just think a higher level of caution must be practiced when the group of people gets larger then intended.

However, this post is not about that exactly. I would like to talk to you about something more important here. A catastrophic mistake has been made because this rule was not taken into account, and it is really starting to piss me off.

Public bathrooms.

Humans are the only species on the planet to defecate collectively, and it is WRONG. You don’t see a bunch of girl monkeys asking other girl monkeys to go to the bathroom. Elephants don’t seek out a group of other elephants just to drop a load. You have, or know someone who has seen the look on a dogs face when he was going to the bathroom, its hate you know, he knows he is being watched. Would you like to know why? Because deep down every living organism knows it goes against all that is pure and good in this universe to have to witness in any form anything taking a shit.

So then why do I have to fight that inner voice telling me it is wrong to be hearing some dudes rectal sphincter unpuckering, that weird guy who always wipes until his ass is bleeding, screaming brown demons from the darkest depths of the foulest and most putrid places knows to exist, and having to smell lip curling nostril flaring eye squinting ass filth? Because the person who came up with the whole lets take a shit together and be merry idea was a jackass and did not think about the rule. All of his/her descendants should be thrown on a spaceship and propelled into the sun. We are in a technological age here, there has to be something that can be done about this.

SON OF A BITCH!

I don’t want to talk about this anymore…I am going to go take a shower…

With all the shit popular P2P programs like WinMX, bitTorrent, eDonkey, and countless others have to put up with from the crybabies over at the RIAA, you still have to deal with selfish assholes. It is dam near impossible to even find someone who won’t drop your fucking download when it hit’s 97%. Seriously, if you do that to people, go drink a bottle of bleach or something, your just wasting oxygen I might need one day. I hate you.

Yes, I listen to sounds I have not properly provided monetary compensation for, and yes, I don’t care, lick my sweaty baby makers. So, for those of you willing to subject your self to years of fun in hell join me in celebrating the idea that nothing is secure, and that nothing can stop the proper combination of 0’s and 1’s from being translated into some bitchin stuff.

Fuck the RIAA and DRM, fuck iTunes and the hippies who use it, fuck Napster for selling out like a little bitch, and fuck anyone who thinks differently.

Now that I have said my piece, here is a way for you to get some free music of your own. I am probably just spouting off a bunch of stuff a lot of people already knew, and I am sure there are better ways to get the stuff I want. But, for now this is the way I like to get my fix.

I don’t know if your ISP likes running their mouths about your activity. So with that in mind, if you use the methods and sites mentioned below you do so at your own risk. If you get in trouble and you blame it on me, I will probably just laugh at you while your getting butt fucked with fines or if I get in trouble too you better be dam sure you kill me the first time you see me cause I promise it will be the only chance you get.

1. Go to http://mp3.elizov.com/.
2. Disregard all the Russian bride crap…unless your name is Troy or you like hairy chicks.
3. Do a search for the mp3 you want.
4. Right click on the “Download MP3 Now!” link and open it in a new window.
5. BAM! When the song is finished loading save that shit and you got yer self a free mp3.

The database of songs is fairly small around 600 files or so, and I would be suprised if all the songs actually worked. Enjoy!

AAARRRGGGHHH!!! I wish I had a peg leg, an eye patch, and a foul mouthed talking parrot. Being a pirate is so much fun!

Spread the word my friends. I’m spent. I need a towel.

The chemical also known as epinephrine is a beautiful thing. I have had this sweet nectar flowing through my veins a countless number of times before. Of course I was usually highly agitated at some stupid son of a bitch for doing something retarded, so I didn’t get to really enjoy it. While running tonight I felt a surge through my body, I started to see better, I was breathing better, and I ran faster. I wanted to rip apart something with my teeth, it burned but at the same time was cold, and dare I say it…better than…Chicken…no that’s just crazy talk, forget I said that. For about all of 10 minutes I was invincible…then it wore off and I was still the same chubby white guy I was before. It was very tasty.

(In humble recognition of International Talk Like A Pirate Day the following post will be written in the tongue of my brethren.)

Ahoy mateys! This be me ode to ye oh Chicken.

Avast, ye be responsible fer bringin a smile t’ me face n’ an end t’ me rumbling stomach on many a day. Ye succulent flesh be always sweet n’ satisfyin. Ye can be sliced, dipped into your unborn childrens’ unfertilized bodies, breaded, spiced t’ perfection, fried a deep golden brown, n’ delivered t’ me in a timely n’ remarkably efficient fashion. As ye exhilarating aroma fills me nostrils I be thrown into a state of euphoria. Shiver me timbers…

There be many flavors that can accompany ye most delicious of delicious beasts. It be safe n’ accepted to eat ye regularly. There be a slew of professional establishments for the procurement of such awe inspiring wonder that is ye oh Chicken. Such as Chick-Fil-A, KFC, n’ Popeye’s.

Weak minded land lubbers say ye be not to be consumed n’ should not be allowed to share ye gift with the world. To Davy Jones’ locker it be for them say I. While others blame ye fer disease n’ claim ye be killin all over the world, scally wags they all be. This be simply not true.

I laugh at their ignorance. Harrrr harrr harrr giggle giggle harrr. Even though they do not see ye truly magnificent nature, rest assured me beauty they will one day learn of ye glory. They will repent their sins against ye and see ye for what ye truly arrr.

May you have many more years of finding your way in to me belly and out of me bung hole. I will continue fighting for ye. I love ye.

Like the rest of all the decent high blood pressured, office dwelling, working-for-the-man people in the world, I use an elevator to do most of my vertical traveling. However, it is becoming more and more transparent to me that many people do not understand that there are a set of unspoken laws one must abide by when using this method of travel. I will help the less intelligent/considerate folks out there who need to be told how to use a god damn elevator because apparently their momma thought it was something they could learn on their own, and she was WRONG.

1. Pressing the button to the wrong floor: There are many possible times this could happen…I am going to stick to the arriving to/leaving from work scenarios. In both situations, don’t tell me you are sorry. Get your head out of your ass, and press the right floor next time. Cause if you don’t, I swear they will not be able to recognize the body. Your either making me later for work then I already am, or you are postponing the drinking binge I indulge in every night from having to work with idiots like you. Furthermore don’t act like you did something good when you hit the wrong button and then some one happens to get on that’s going to that floor. Nine times out of ten that’s not going to happen, your not psychic, and you have successfully moved one step closer to getting an ass whoopin.

2. Arriving elevator patrons: When you are waiting with the rest of your worthless good for nothing suit wearing corporate cunt co-workers after eating food that will hopefully kill you one day, do just that and WAIT. Don’t fucking try to rush your way on to the elevator while I am trying to get off of it, and don’t stand right in front of the doors so the first thing I see is your nasty face staring at me like I am holding you up. You have already been waiting there, what harm could it do to wait a few more seconds. You are not important. Your work does not make a difference. You are not special. I don’t enjoy having to rub up against your sweaty/old/ugly ass while you hobble your way in. However, I am not mean to all. Special rules apply to good looking women. Mainly, you are permitted to do this if and only if you rub up against me.

3. 1-3 Floors: Unless you are in a wheelchair, are crippled, or are extremely old, don’t ride an elevator (especially down, that shit gets on my last nerve) if you are only traveling one to three floors. I mostly see heavy breathing, lard assed, cupcake eating, swine’s doing this. And for what? Because their knees hurt if they do or something??? Hey you fat bitch think about this, if you did more walking other then to and from the fridge you might not be a cancer on our society and you would not have problems with your body. I am tired of people wasting my precious time riding from floor to floor because they are too lazy to walk up a flight of stairs. I hope you choke on your dinner.

4. Putting miscellaneous limbs into the closing doors: Really? Do I have to say anything else? Other then being a completely boneheaded thing to do, what are you accomplishing? Ohhhhh, look at me I am not scared of the doors closing on my “insert miscellaneous limb here”, I am a man of action, I get things done. You know what? When you lose an arm, just out of pure physical hatred I am going to wipe my ass with it and proceed to beat the breath from your chest. Please also notice that while I am beating you, you are wasting my time and will incur any other version of punishment I deem necessary at that particular point in time. Find another ride asshole.

5. Loud talking: Myself, and any other sane elevator riding patron does not care what your whore of a wife made you for dinner last night, and we for dam sure do not care that your boss is hurting your feelings. Suck it up. Your wife does not love you and is cheating on you with your best friend or a Mexican, go buy a gun and take care of your business. Your boss hates you and has been trying to give you a reason to screw up at work so he can fire you. WALK your ass up to the top floor of your building and do us all a huge favor and take the plunge. By walking up to your fate and taking life by the horns, you don’t get in my way while I am riding the elevator the way it was intended.

In conclusion, if you feel you are breaking any of these sacred rules, I guarantee you are pushing someone somewhere closer to their breaking point. You have been warned.

Dead cats make great diesel fuel, this guy is my new best friend. Really puts a new swing to the phrase “listen to that baby purr” don’t it? Now all we need to do is figure out how to make fuel from all those rapists and murders in Louisiana. The benefits would be simply tremendous. We could process their bodies for fuel, and use that fuel to drive the food and water to the people who are actually good people and need it. BOOM! No more problem…dam…I should be President.

Alright, I am going to be a little emotional and I will probably end up getting ragged on about this post. But, I don’t care. I am getting to the point where if I want to do it, I will. Plus, some things need to be said because they are meant to be heard. So here goes…

Everyone knows missing someone is hard. It is even harder when you are constantly thinking about that person. You can’t help it (you really don’t want to either, you enjoy it), it just happens. You find your self thinking about that person in all kinds of different situations and how that person would react. You want to say hello to that person and know they are doing well. You would do anything to see a smile on that persons face. You just want them to be close. If that person is reading this you know who you are. I want you to know, I am thinking about you and I miss you. See you soon.

Gorilla Glue is the best shit ever.

I swear this is the same stuff that holds the very fabric of existence together. Screw magnetism, screw the weak and strong nuclear forces, and screw whatever other theory is out there. I have discovered the answer.

When you put it on its thick like syrup, but then after a few minutes of sitting in the air it starts to sperm up and looks like a wad of phlegm from a camel or something. Give it a few more minutes to work its magic and I promise unless you cut it apart what ever you just glued is permanently joined.

If it had of been used to build houses in Louisiana, NONE of them would be destroyed right now. If it had of been used on the levy’s, New Orleans would still be dry. I vote they use this from now on to build everything. Cars, ships, sex toys, satellites…EVERYTHING.

WHY? Honestly…Stab a baby?

I can hear it now. The baby was looking at me funny…it was either it or me…I did what had to be done.

Ok, so I don’t consider my self a violent person. Others may disagree. However, we all have our moments. You never know when you may need to propel a piece of lead faster then the speed of sound. Ain’t that right?

A few buddies of mine and I decided to take a shooting class at a local range. The lady who gave us a 2.5 hour long speech about safety, proper handling, loading, unloading, and all that good stuff…was at the least, 75% out of her dam mind. Though, all in all I felt like she was very clear and did a good job explaining the basics.

While everyone else was using a 9mm I decided to go with the .357 Magnum. It was calling to me. Maybe it was all the days of Resident Evil and staying up until you had to go to school. Glorious I say.

Little paper targets and zombies the world over should tremble in my presence.