I am not going to go into much detail with the list below because I am sure you all know exactly what I am talking about when I say these words bring forth a rage from such a deep dark place simply reading them is enough to cause perfectly sane and good people to transform into serial killers…

Scenario as Sa-nar-io
Sorry as Soar-re
Crayon as Crown
Ruined as Runed
Celery as Cell-re
Caramel as Car-mel
Important as Impoured-int
Hangers as Hane-gers
Realtor as Reel-a-tor
Mature as Ma-toor
Negotiate as Nego-see-ate
Area as Er-rea
Water as Wood-er
Any day of the week as [day prefix]-dee (example: Tuesday as Tues-dee)

Again, as always…if you mess up these words your days are numbered. We are going to find you and eliminate your genes from the pool of life. Future generations will be free of this plight and your damned ugly faces!

Follow me! My twitter name is tbsott…some broad is squatting on ttosbt…thanks for nothing bitch.

I really don’t like people in general…they are selfish, rude, ignorant, and gross. For the most part…

The way those women on the phone spoke also made me think of other people from my life that I wanted to push out of a window. Mainly because of the way they acted or the way they said certain things. You ever heard someone say something that at the time and in the context they were saying it, it obviously sounded like a real word and made sense. Though, when you thought about what they said, they completely mangled the word…and from that point on you noticed it every time it happened and with every misspoken syllable your urge to spray fart in their dinner became increasingly harder to resist???

You know what I am talking about…don’t play dumb with me…

Here are a few…and I know you have heard people say this shit and wanted to smack them for it.

• forward as:
  fo-ward: You mostly hear wannabe-country assholes saying this. You know what cock??? There is an ‘r’ in the middle of the word. I hope you get hit in the eye by bird crap infected with bird flu.
• schedule as:
  shed-yool: Pretentious snobby tight pants wearing child molesting sickos say this a lot.
• human as:
  uman: The same white dick fucks that say shed-yool say this a lot too…BURN!!!
• package as:
  pagg-edge: Ohhh man this one is really a pain in the crack for me…I was in a meeting one time and I swear every fucking time this guy said something he ended it with pagg-edge just for my delight. I was trying to find a way to give this guy Herpes but decided just to hang him and carve the word package into his body so no one ever makes the same mistake he did. Keep an eye on the news for this.
• thing as:
  think: This one is hard to figure out at first, but after you hear them say “What do you think about that think?” you realize the horrible truth. That they are now required to die. You like killing though…so enjoy it! :^)
• street as:
  skreet: You will hear a lot of ghetto hoochies and hard core gang bangers saying this…they don’t know that they actually have a speech impediment…so cut them some slack…
• are as:
  are-a: Again, come on leave them alone…they are young urban citizens just looking for a way to get by, they had it rough growing up…
• birthday as:
  birfday: That’s funny…did you say birfday? As if to replace the ‘th’ with an ‘f’??? Haha, that’s funny you crazy murderous drug addicts…
• mom as:
  moms: Look, you people don’t even know how many mothers you have…they think they have more then one…haha, can someone please fill them in on the fact they can only have one mom please and that by adding an ’s’ to the end of a word denotes more then one, I don’t think they were taught that on the corner…
• ask as:
  ax: OK, I am tired of being nice…time to get some. Just because you say you have an “accent” does not mean you need to sound like you have a penis in your mouth when you talk. Just say ask…I know you can do it you fucking dirty city dwelling rats. Look, I will help you…first say ASS then say the first part of KILL. So it’s ASSKILL minus the ILL…never mind…you can’t do math. If you say ax instead of ask just go ax your moms for a 40 of malt liquor on your birfday and scream are-a in the skreet. You won’t be there long because I am coming to run you the hell over with my truck and KILL your ASS.
• library as:
  lie-berry: This one is really not so bad…ok I am lying…obviously the people who say this have no business even thinking about a library because they will never be able to read anything in one.
• diabetes as:
  di-beat-uhhs: The only person I ever heard say this was that old twat the Quaker oats commercial guy. Apparently, now that he is older someone decided to hire him to sell something on TV reminding you that Diabetes is bad. Even though I don’t see the commercial a lot this one makes it on the list just because when I do hear it I black out and bad things happen. You know why the Holocaust happened??? Some one said di-beat-uhhs to Hitler.
• asterisk as:
  ass-trick: I actually laughed when I heard this one for the first time. I forget where I was but as soon as I heard it I wanted to ask what kind of tricks did her ass performs. Instead I pulled out a shovel and beat her senseless.
• picture as:
  pitcher: I hear this spoken by those overweight soccer mom’s that like to send chain e-mails because they had a kitten or the word Jesus in them. How about you bless us with dying and going right to where you belong…HELL!
• tiger as:
  tager: The mother of one of my friends says this…I have only heard her say it once and I couldn’t be sure if she was joking or not. So I immediately set fire to her house and laughed as she boiled inside. Then once the fire died out I had sex with the remains…just to be sure. Sorry man…

If you find your self compelled to say any of these words in my presence you will very quickly feel the pain of my wrath.

On second thought…just never talk to me…

So I am going to complain a little bit about the state of customer service in the world we live in today. Like elevators there are a set of rules when you are a customer service representative or simply representing any organization (especially on the phone). I know I can be an abrasive person with a very short fuse, but I am extremely nice on the phone…so I don’t know if this if just a result of me being the way I am or if it really bothers other people as much as it bothers me. They just might not want to make a scene or feel it’s better to catch more flies with honey. I dunno and I don’t care, but I am getting tired of this shit.

This is what happened. Again, I would like to preface this by saying this may not be a real problem but it drives me straight up insane. It might just also be UMBC and their policy of hiring retards to answer the phones. Anyway…I needed to find out some information so I made a call (my first mistake). The first person I talked to besides not saying any type of greeting other then yes or even giving me her name had no idea what I was trying to ask her, like she didn’t speak English or something. She kept telling me if I needed forms then I needed to call someone else, but I had to repeat that I ALREADY have the forms and I just needed to find out who gets them or what the procedure is for submitting them like ten time, no lie. After about five minutes of listening to her smack her lips and chew food in my ear I told her to take an English class and to go shoot her self after killing off any offspring she may have had, then I hung up on her. I know…it’s mean…I am rude…but that lady seriously has no business representing ANY organization, let alone a college, on the phone.

So, still in need of what has to be done to get this paperwork submitted I decided to call another organization at UMBC that might be able to help (second mistake). I again found my self talking to someone who in no way could have ever gained a diploma legitimately. Though, this lady at least knew who I might need to talk to, that lady wasn’t there. I need this information today and I find it absolutely absurd that NO ONE in the offices that are supposed to know the information have any idea what to do. So I called the lady back again and asked to speak to someone different. I want to tell you that even though I was pissed I was nice to this lady…but I guess she just didn’t want to talk to me twice in one day. Because when I called her back it’s like she was a whole new kind of ignorant. All I sad was and I quote “Yeah, the lady you passed me to a second ago wasn’t there can I talk to someone else who might know the information I am looking for?” Then she starts calling me sir in that condescending tone which wasn’t helping at all. I closed my eyes as she was talking and I imagined my hands around her neck as I head butted her into hell. It was magnificent. After I got hold of my anger I asked to talk to someone else because I couldn’t listen to her any more so then SHE hung up on ME. Oh no you didn’t BITCH!?!? If I thought it would make any difference I would complain to the counties representative, but I bet ya I would get the same kind of treatment from them.

These ladies broke a number of rules.

1. Always answer a phone in a polite manner and fully identify your self.
2. LISTEN, it’s the only damn thing you should be doing right now. You have a phone to your ear…listen to what I am saying!
3. Never eat, chew, cough, sneeze, or otherwise make disgusting noises with your mouth while on the phone.
4. Do not use slang.
5. Do not assume I know what your talking about without first explaining the whole process to me. I am smart…I am not fucking psychic.
6. Do not answer the phone if you don’t have the intention of actually helping me. Passing me to another person get’s old really quick.

With my pissed-off-o-meter in the red I decided to call one last office. When she answered she said, “Hi, my name is XXXX XXXXX. How may I help you?” AT LAST! A proper phone greeting. This lady, I am glad to say was able to tell me what I needed to do. The funny part is this lady was a part of the registration office and not the finance or bursar’s office…she probably should not have been able to answer my question.

Why couldn’t those other stupid fucking communist whores tell me what I needed to know??? Why were they so mean on the phone??? Why don’t they know how to speak properly??? Terrible…

Urge to kill fading……

Ok, I gotta ask something.

I am a man. I use urinals. I don’t really like it…but hey, I do what I gotta do.

How in God’s name do fucking pubic hairs get on the dam urinal?!?!

I mean it’s one thing to see the stray hair on the brim of a toilet, sure. I understand that. But when all you gotta do it pull out your tally whacker and piss in the hole how do pubic hairs get there? These aren’t regular pubes either. These are mutant Chernobyl pubes. They are so long and gangly, I swear a few of them tried to take me into bathroom hell once. I try not to look or wonder about them, but it’s just so off. Is it possible to grow hairs on your shaft?! That’s the only way other then intentional hair placement (which should be punishable by no less then 10 lashes.). I am at a loss. I can’t fathom how it happens.

If you are one of those men…please…I kindly ask…for the love of all that is pure and good CUT YOUR BALL HAIRS! It’s ignorant. Really. If I ever catch one of you filthy bastards I am gonna drop a few of mine in your dam coffee cup. So watch the hell out.

Sorry about that…

Been really busy…

I am sure you understand.

Here’s whats been happening:

I got married! Everyone said that I was gonna regret it…and boy were they right…

HAHA! Just kidding. It was an awesome day. My now wife (still kinda weird to say), our families, and everyone else did a wonderful job. Everything went over without a hitch. I could not possibly in any way, ever write enough to say thank you to all of who made that day possible for my beautiful wife and I.

We went on our honeymoon in Austrailia!!! We totally needed more time. We went to Sydney and the Blue Mountains (which were honestly the most amazing thing I have ever had the privledge to witness personally.). Let me tell you about a few of the pictures in the line up linked to above. If ya happen to run across a few blurry ones of what can only be described as a naked man…is indeed a damn naked man. That’s what our view was from our hotel room. I know it’s kind of odd but we couldn’t stop wondering what the naked guy was doing…so every few minutes we looked out the window to check up on our neighbor. The man was doing everything from watching TV while sitting on a HARDWOOD floor…to counting change, all while naked. The weirdest part though was the next day. When we checked for him we found where a whole apartment full of warm furniture and naked life used to be was nothing but an empty, cold, slightly molested shell of it’s former self…he and the contents of his apartment had vanished. I am sure that will not be the last we see of our friendly naked neighbor.

Well…

That’s about it for now. Check back soon.

All homosexual inuendo aside this one may be a bit of a no brainer but I was young and had no idea what in the heck I was doing…which leads to this lessons story.

I was still living at home when my Mother decided to take a job in Ocala, Florida. Since I already had a good job at home I decided it was time for me to go out on my own. So, I bought the house I had grown up in from my Mother because I got a good deal, and I kind of wanted to keep the house in the family. My first home, I think I was 20 or 21. It was my childhood home so I knew it well, I thought… That summer after the snow had melted and the birds were singing it got pretty hot, and by pretty hot I mean sticky scrotum, can’t sleep, wanna cry kind of hot. So I cranked on the Air Conditioner. Now, like I said, this was my first house…I had no idea of what things I should check for after a long cold winter. I am a computer nerd not a Mexican handy man. So a few hours later I go down stairs to put a load of clothes on and to my horror there is ice cold water all over the laundry room floor, which just so happens to be next to the furnace/blower. So I get pissed…I got wet feet, and I have no idea why… So I call my Mother up and tell her my problem. She tells me to check the Air Conditioner. Of course! It hits me like a sack of bricks when she tells me where the water is coming from “The Air Conditioner gets cold…moist air goes through the A-frame and condenses, duh…”, I think. The next logical thing to do to solve the problem is to check the condensation pipe leading all that cold water out of the house for a clog. However, the freaking thing is attached to the coil unit on top of the blower, so I can’t check it there. So guess what I did… That’s right ladies and gentlemen, I got an idea, one I thought at the time was good. Though in retrospect it was one of the stupidest things I have ever done. I go out to the pipe. A small white half inch PVC pipe about 4 feet long leading into the drain outside of the house. Why hadn’t I noticed that before? It was like I was in a new house, not the familiar one I had grown up in. And it was then that I executed my perfectly logical plan. I lay down on my belly, put my head close to the ground. I can smell the dirt and I can see a small trickle of water coming from the pipe. I look down into it as far as I can see and I don’t see anything blocking it. I put my lips around the pipe and start to suck to try to get the obstruction out of the pipe. After all it was hot as hell outside and I just wanted the fucking thing to work properly and not get my basement all wet. As I was siphoning nothing in my mind was telling me that this was a bad idea. I think somewhere out there in the cosmos something was watching me and telling my subconscious to shut up so they could have a nice laugh. I stop and look down into the pipe. AHH! I see it…it was dark, it just looked like built up gunk. A few more sucks and I would be good to go. So I firmly place my lips around the pipe again and suck…1…2…COUGH COUGH SPIT SPIT…CHOKE…some of the clog goes down my throat, but it’s all good. “YES!” I thought. I had successfully fixed my first household problem, it’s that same feeling you get when you learn to use the toilet for the first time. Until I felt an uneasy feeling in my stomach. Amazingly, at that point in time my subconscious had returned to me, and it was telling me something was wrong…really wrong. I slowly look down and see a mound of small to medium slugs crawling around!!! SLUGS!?! SLUGS I HAD JUST SPIT OUT OF MY MOUTH!?! SLUGS I HAD JUST SWALLOWED?!?! SON OF A *BARF* *VOMIT*… It still to this day makes me sick to my stomach… Guys who were in Vietnam got nothing on me.jessica rockwell
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I enjoy the time I have alone during the day taking a crap…

It is the single most fulfilling event in many of my average days…

I like getting paid to wipe my ass…

It makes me feel important.

Knowing that, you now also know that I am a very lucky person, mostly bad luck…but lucky none the less.

A few months ago I was sitting in the handicapped stall (I like to be able to sprawl out, plus if they don’t want to be treated any differently then they can use the tiny stall with the door that opens so close to the toilet you actually have to step in the toilet to get out of the stall, just like every other able bodied human) and I was enjoying a nice post lunch dookie.

As I was nearing the end of my time in bathroom a person came in and took the stall next to me. Now, I ain’t exactly the squeamish type but there is just something about hearing another man’s ass cheeks spread as he sits and the sound his anus makes as it lightly dilates, preparing it’s self for the task ahead, followed by the pungent aroma of 4 hours of sweat and underpants…it’s enough to make a grown man cry.

Anyway…as he and I share the moment, both squatting over a dark inviting hole doing our business I happen to look down and notice his shoes. They were white tennis shoes, fairly new, nice, but not my style. We continue our journey…

I was getting ready to clean up the work site when this speedy guy starts to do the same. He couldn’t have been in there for more then 45 seconds it wasn’t his turn!!! No worries though…what could I do? The rules are the rules. I am assuming he was late for something cause that’s the only valid reason a man should ever need to take a dump that quick and break the bathroom exit line.

Sitting quietly on the edge of vomiting waiting for him to leave because two men cannot, without destroying a piece of their soul, make eye contact after something as traumatic as listening to another man’s most intimate grunts, I wait. He gets up, zips his pants, and flushes the toilet with his foot. Immediately I could tell something was wrong. The toilet made an unnatural gurgle and a split second after that deafening noise came the floods…the floods that included not only toilet water but this man’s used toilet paper, and if I may be so bold, HIS FUCKING TERDS! The waters coming ever closer to this mans nice new shoes forced the man to grab hold of the top of the stall and as I saw his hands come over the top I instantly saw his feet dissapear. This was an altehtic man because from his death grip position on the flooding stall’s wall he was able to open the door and escape, without washing his hands, without apologizing, and without calling for assistance. So, surrounded by this mans lunch, asshole drying out, trying to figure out how in the hell to get out of this prison unscathed I had to take the plunge. I put my feet down and finished up. As I was leaving I almost slip and fall, which I feel would have qualified me for some kind of military award. I escape…and get back to the office to tell the others of my adventure.

I never saw those tennis shoes again…and I will never forget what happened in that stall that warm summer day…

Here is the story…

Like many of you out there I add various suffixes to words that probably shouldn’t have them to relay a somewhat different meaning at times given their level of appropriateness. Words like cabinocity and gittyupidness from that stupid car commercial remind me of this phenomenon. You have done it before, I know you have…I don’t know what it’s official name is.

So anyway, I used to work at a help-desk for a company I will not name here. Doing all the menial tasks and jobs that a typical help-desk person does. You know, helping people turn on their computer and learn how to print a document kind of make you want to light yourself on fire and jump out of a window crap. So I am over in front of a bunch of my help-desk buddies talking it up with them and I happened to be wearing a light army green button up shirt that day. And being like any other white computer geek it was unbuttoned with a funny t-shirt underneath. One of my friends was an older lady named Marilyn a very nice and sweet lady. She always used to call me her “insert a various fruit or vegetable associated with the color of my shirt”. For example, if I was wearing a blue shirt, I was her little blueberry that day. Annoying as it was, I accepted that this was her way of being nice to me and I allowed it. Yes, I allowed it.

However…on this very fateful day while having a good time on someone else’s dime something happened, a life lesson. For it was this particular day when I was to be Marilyn’s Sweet Pea. Soon after that someone was picking on me about something. I don’t remember what it was but I was hurt…and Marilyn saw this discomfort. While looking at her I remembered her earlier comment to me and I immediately and unknowingly responded to my attacker with “your hurting my Sweet Peaness!” I was loud and I made sure that everyone within 20 feet heard me and made sure that they knew my Sweet Peaness was in agony. Of course I had no idea what I was saying…I thought I was innocently adding -ness to the end of a word. People 5 rows back on the phone with customers are gazing at me in horror as I scream that my Sweet Peaness is being hurt. It was only when I was explicitly asked what in the hell I was doing did I then realize what I was saying. As my face turned pale and I was becoming increasingly confident that I was going to be fired. I walked away…laughed at and just slightly smarter.