Ok, I gotta ask something.

I am a man. I use urinals. I don’t really like it…but hey, I do what I gotta do.

How in God’s name do fucking pubic hairs get on the dam urinal?!?!

I mean it’s one thing to see the stray hair on the brim of a toilet, sure. I understand that. But when all you gotta do it pull out your tally whacker and piss in the hole how do pubic hairs get there? These aren’t regular pubes either. These are mutant Chernobyl pubes. They are so long and gangly, I swear a few of them tried to take me into bathroom hell once. I try not to look or wonder about them, but it’s just so off. Is it possible to grow hairs on your shaft?! That’s the only way other then intentional hair placement (which should be punishable by no less then 10 lashes.). I am at a loss. I can’t fathom how it happens.

If you are one of those men…please…I kindly ask…for the love of all that is pure and good CUT YOUR BALL HAIRS! It’s ignorant. Really. If I ever catch one of you filthy bastards I am gonna drop a few of mine in your dam coffee cup. So watch the hell out.

Life Lesson #2: Don’t go sucking on miscellaneous pipes.

All homosexual inuendo aside this one may be a bit of a no brainer but I was young and had no idea what in the heck I was doing…which leads to this lessons story.

I was still living at home when my Mother decided to take a job in Ocala, Florida. Since I already had a good job at home I decided it was time for me to go out on my own. So, I bought the house I had grown up in from my Mother because I got a good deal, and I kind of wanted to keep the house in the family. My first home, I think I was 20 or 21. It was my childhood home so I knew it well, I thought… That summer after the snow had melted and the birds were singing it got pretty hot, and by pretty hot I mean sticky scrotum, can’t sleep, wanna cry kind of hot. So I cranked on the Air Conditioner. Now, like I said, this was my first house…I had no idea of what things I should check for after a long cold winter. I am a computer nerd not a Mexican handy man. So a few hours later I go down stairs to put a load of clothes on and to my horror there is ice cold water all over the laundry room floor, which just so happens to be next to the furnace/blower. So I get pissed…I got wet feet, and I have no idea why… So I call my Mother up and tell her my problem. She tells me to check the Air Conditioner. Of course! It hits me like a sack of bricks when she tells me where the water is coming from “The Air Conditioner gets cold…moist air goes through the A-frame and condenses, duh…”, I think. The next logical thing to do to solve the problem is to check the condensation pipe leading all that cold water out of the house for a clog. However, the freaking thing is attached to the coil unit on top of the blower, so I can’t check it there. So guess what I did… That’s right ladies and gentlemen, I got an idea, one I thought at the time was good. Though in retrospect it was one of the stupidest things I have ever done. I go out to the pipe. A small white half inch PVC pipe about 4 feet long leading into the drain outside of the house. Why hadn’t I noticed that before? It was like I was in a new house, not the familiar one I had grown up in. And it was then that I executed my perfectly logical plan. I lay down on my belly, put my head close to the ground. I can smell the dirt and I can see a small trickle of water coming from the pipe. I look down into it as far as I can see and I don’t see anything blocking it. I put my lips around the pipe and start to suck to try to get the obstruction out of the pipe. After all it was hot as hell outside and I just wanted the fucking thing to work properly and not get my basement all wet. As I was siphoning nothing in my mind was telling me that this was a bad idea. I think somewhere out there in the cosmos something was watching me and telling my subconscious to shut up so they could have a nice laugh. I stop and look down into the pipe. AHH! I see it…it was dark, it just looked like built up gunk. A few more sucks and I would be good to go. So I firmly place my lips around the pipe again and suck…1…2…COUGH COUGH SPIT SPIT…CHOKE…some of the clog goes down my throat, but it’s all good. “YES!” I thought. I had successfully fixed my first household problem, it’s that same feeling you get when you learn to use the toilet for the first time. Until I felt an uneasy feeling in my stomach. Amazingly, at that point in time my subconscious had returned to me, and it was telling me something was wrong…really wrong. I slowly look down and see a mound of small to medium slugs crawling around!!! SLUGS!?! SLUGS I HAD JUST SPIT OUT OF MY MOUTH!?! SLUGS I HAD JUST SWALLOWED?!?! SON OF A *BARF* *VOMIT*… It still to this day makes me sick to my stomach… Guys who were in Vietnam got nothing on me.jessica rockwell
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