This is the kind of shit that makes me laugh at people who are always bitching about equality, and the environment…Ecofeminism

So since my last post about how people like to straight fuck up the pronunciation of a lot of words. I have had plenty of time to compile a listing of other words that makes babies cry. Thanks to the people who suggested new words and to the assholes that like to use them.

I am not going to go into much detail with the list below because I am sure you all know exactly what I am talking about when I say these words bring forth a rage from such a deep dark place simply reading them is enough to cause perfectly sane and good people to transform into serial killers…

Scenario as Sa-nar-io
Sorry as Soar-re
Crayon as Crown
Ruined as Runed
Celery as Cell-re
Caramel as Car-mel
Important as Impoured-int
Hangers as Hane-gers
Realtor as Reel-a-tor
Mature as Ma-toor
Negotiate as Nego-see-ate
Area as Er-rea
Water as Wood-er
Any day of the week as [day prefix]-dee (example: Tuesday as Tues-dee)

Again, as always…if you mess up these words your days are numbered. We are going to find you and eliminate your genes from the pool of life. Future generations will be free of this plight and your damned ugly faces!

Thinking on my last post about how those dumb-ass ladies acted on the phone it made me remember how much other people piss me off in an average day…

I really don’t like people in general…they are selfish, rude, ignorant, and gross. For the most part…

The way those women on the phone spoke also made me think of other people from my life that I wanted to push out of a window. Mainly because of the way they acted or the way they said certain things. You ever heard someone say something that at the time and in the context they were saying it, it obviously sounded like a real word and made sense. Though, when you thought about what they said, they completely mangled the word…and from that point on you noticed it every time it happened and with every misspoken syllable your urge to spray fart in their dinner became increasingly harder to resist???

You know what I am talking about…don’t play dumb with me…

Here are a few…and I know you have heard people say this shit and wanted to smack them for it.

• forward as:
  fo-ward: You mostly hear wannabe-country assholes saying this. You know what cock??? There is an ‘r’ in the middle of the word. I hope you get hit in the eye by bird crap infected with bird flu.
• schedule as:
  shed-yool: Pretentious snobby tight pants wearing child molesting sickos say this a lot.
• human as:
  uman: The same white dick fucks that say shed-yool say this a lot too…BURN!!!
• package as:
  pagg-edge: Ohhh man this one is really a pain in the crack for me…I was in a meeting one time and I swear every fucking time this guy said something he ended it with pagg-edge just for my delight. I was trying to find a way to give this guy Herpes but decided just to hang him and carve the word package into his body so no one ever makes the same mistake he did. Keep an eye on the news for this.
• thing as:
  think: This one is hard to figure out at first, but after you hear them say “What do you think about that think?” you realize the horrible truth. That they are now required to die. You like killing though…so enjoy it! :^)
• street as:
  skreet: You will hear a lot of ghetto hoochies and hard core gang bangers saying this…they don’t know that they actually have a speech impediment…so cut them some slack…
• are as:
  are-a: Again, come on leave them alone…they are young urban citizens just looking for a way to get by, they had it rough growing up…
• birthday as:
  birfday: That’s funny…did you say birfday? As if to replace the ‘th’ with an ‘f’??? Haha, that’s funny you crazy murderous drug addicts…
• mom as:
  moms: Look, you people don’t even know how many mothers you have…they think they have more then one…haha, can someone please fill them in on the fact they can only have one mom please and that by adding an ’s’ to the end of a word denotes more then one, I don’t think they were taught that on the corner…
• ask as:
  ax: OK, I am tired of being nice…time to get some. Just because you say you have an “accent” does not mean you need to sound like you have a penis in your mouth when you talk. Just say ask…I know you can do it you fucking dirty city dwelling rats. Look, I will help you…first say ASS then say the first part of KILL. So it’s ASSKILL minus the ILL…never mind…you can’t do math. If you say ax instead of ask just go ax your moms for a 40 of malt liquor on your birfday and scream are-a in the skreet. You won’t be there long because I am coming to run you the hell over with my truck and KILL your ASS.
• library as:
  lie-berry: This one is really not so bad…ok I am lying…obviously the people who say this have no business even thinking about a library because they will never be able to read anything in one.
• diabetes as:
  di-beat-uhhs: The only person I ever heard say this was that old twat the Quaker oats commercial guy. Apparently, now that he is older someone decided to hire him to sell something on TV reminding you that Diabetes is bad. Even though I don’t see the commercial a lot this one makes it on the list just because when I do hear it I black out and bad things happen. You know why the Holocaust happened??? Some one said di-beat-uhhs to Hitler.
• asterisk as:
  ass-trick: I actually laughed when I heard this one for the first time. I forget where I was but as soon as I heard it I wanted to ask what kind of tricks did her ass performs. Instead I pulled out a shovel and beat her senseless.
• picture as:
  pitcher: I hear this spoken by those overweight soccer mom’s that like to send chain e-mails because they had a kitten or the word Jesus in them. How about you bless us with dying and going right to where you belong…HELL!
• tiger as:
  tager: The mother of one of my friends says this…I have only heard her say it once and I couldn’t be sure if she was joking or not. So I immediately set fire to her house and laughed as she boiled inside. Then once the fire died out I had sex with the remains…just to be sure. Sorry man…

If you find your self compelled to say any of these words in my presence you will very quickly feel the pain of my wrath.

On second thought…just never talk to me…

So I am going to complain a little bit about the state of customer service in the world we live in today. Like elevators there are a set of rules when you are a customer service representative or simply representing any organization (especially on the phone). I know I can be an abrasive person with a very short fuse, but I am extremely nice on the phone…so I don’t know if this if just a result of me being the way I am or if it really bothers other people as much as it bothers me. They just might not want to make a scene or feel it’s better to catch more flies with honey. I dunno and I don’t care, but I am getting tired of this shit.

This is what happened. Again, I would like to preface this by saying this may not be a real problem but it drives me straight up insane. It might just also be UMBC and their policy of hiring retards to answer the phones. Anyway…I needed to find out some information so I made a call (my first mistake). The first person I talked to besides not saying any type of greeting other then yes or even giving me her name had no idea what I was trying to ask her, like she didn’t speak English or something. She kept telling me if I needed forms then I needed to call someone else, but I had to repeat that I ALREADY have the forms and I just needed to find out who gets them or what the procedure is for submitting them like ten time, no lie. After about five minutes of listening to her smack her lips and chew food in my ear I told her to take an English class and to go shoot her self after killing off any offspring she may have had, then I hung up on her. I know…it’s mean…I am rude…but that lady seriously has no business representing ANY organization, let alone a college, on the phone.

So, still in need of what has to be done to get this paperwork submitted I decided to call another organization at UMBC that might be able to help (second mistake). I again found my self talking to someone who in no way could have ever gained a diploma legitimately. Though, this lady at least knew who I might need to talk to, that lady wasn’t there. I need this information today and I find it absolutely absurd that NO ONE in the offices that are supposed to know the information have any idea what to do. So I called the lady back again and asked to speak to someone different. I want to tell you that even though I was pissed I was nice to this lady…but I guess she just didn’t want to talk to me twice in one day. Because when I called her back it’s like she was a whole new kind of ignorant. All I sad was and I quote “Yeah, the lady you passed me to a second ago wasn’t there can I talk to someone else who might know the information I am looking for?” Then she starts calling me sir in that condescending tone which wasn’t helping at all. I closed my eyes as she was talking and I imagined my hands around her neck as I head butted her into hell. It was magnificent. After I got hold of my anger I asked to talk to someone else because I couldn’t listen to her any more so then SHE hung up on ME. Oh no you didn’t BITCH!?!? If I thought it would make any difference I would complain to the counties representative, but I bet ya I would get the same kind of treatment from them.

These ladies broke a number of rules.

1. Always answer a phone in a polite manner and fully identify your self.
2. LISTEN, it’s the only damn thing you should be doing right now. You have a phone to your ear…listen to what I am saying!
3. Never eat, chew, cough, sneeze, or otherwise make disgusting noises with your mouth while on the phone.
4. Do not use slang.
5. Do not assume I know what your talking about without first explaining the whole process to me. I am smart…I am not fucking psychic.
6. Do not answer the phone if you don’t have the intention of actually helping me. Passing me to another person get’s old really quick.

With my pissed-off-o-meter in the red I decided to call one last office. When she answered she said, “Hi, my name is XXXX XXXXX. How may I help you?” AT LAST! A proper phone greeting. This lady, I am glad to say was able to tell me what I needed to do. The funny part is this lady was a part of the registration office and not the finance or bursar’s office…she probably should not have been able to answer my question.

Why couldn’t those other stupid fucking communist whores tell me what I needed to know??? Why were they so mean on the phone??? Why don’t they know how to speak properly??? Terrible…

Urge to kill fading……

Ok, I gotta ask something.

I am a man. I use urinals. I don’t really like it…but hey, I do what I gotta do.

How in God’s name do fucking pubic hairs get on the dam urinal?!?!

I mean it’s one thing to see the stray hair on the brim of a toilet, sure. I understand that. But when all you gotta do it pull out your tally whacker and piss in the hole how do pubic hairs get there? These aren’t regular pubes either. These are mutant Chernobyl pubes. They are so long and gangly, I swear a few of them tried to take me into bathroom hell once. I try not to look or wonder about them, but it’s just so off. Is it possible to grow hairs on your shaft?! That’s the only way other then intentional hair placement (which should be punishable by no less then 10 lashes.). I am at a loss. I can’t fathom how it happens.

If you are one of those men…please…I kindly ask…for the love of all that is pure and good CUT YOUR BALL HAIRS! It’s ignorant. Really. If I ever catch one of you filthy bastards I am gonna drop a few of mine in your dam coffee cup. So watch the hell out.

Life Lesson #2: Don’t go sucking on miscellaneous pipes.

All homosexual inuendo aside this one may be a bit of a no brainer but I was young and had no idea what in the heck I was doing…which leads to this lessons story.

I was still living at home when my Mother decided to take a job in Ocala, Florida. Since I already had a good job at home I decided it was time for me to go out on my own. So, I bought the house I had grown up in from my Mother because I got a good deal, and I kind of wanted to keep the house in the family. My first home, I think I was 20 or 21. It was my childhood home so I knew it well, I thought… That summer after the snow had melted and the birds were singing it got pretty hot, and by pretty hot I mean sticky scrotum, can’t sleep, wanna cry kind of hot. So I cranked on the Air Conditioner. Now, like I said, this was my first house…I had no idea of what things I should check for after a long cold winter. I am a computer nerd not a Mexican handy man. So a few hours later I go down stairs to put a load of clothes on and to my horror there is ice cold water all over the laundry room floor, which just so happens to be next to the furnace/blower. So I get pissed…I got wet feet, and I have no idea why… So I call my Mother up and tell her my problem. She tells me to check the Air Conditioner. Of course! It hits me like a sack of bricks when she tells me where the water is coming from “The Air Conditioner gets cold…moist air goes through the A-frame and condenses, duh…”, I think. The next logical thing to do to solve the problem is to check the condensation pipe leading all that cold water out of the house for a clog. However, the freaking thing is attached to the coil unit on top of the blower, so I can’t check it there. So guess what I did… That’s right ladies and gentlemen, I got an idea, one I thought at the time was good. Though in retrospect it was one of the stupidest things I have ever done. I go out to the pipe. A small white half inch PVC pipe about 4 feet long leading into the drain outside of the house. Why hadn’t I noticed that before? It was like I was in a new house, not the familiar one I had grown up in. And it was then that I executed my perfectly logical plan. I lay down on my belly, put my head close to the ground. I can smell the dirt and I can see a small trickle of water coming from the pipe. I look down into it as far as I can see and I don’t see anything blocking it. I put my lips around the pipe and start to suck to try to get the obstruction out of the pipe. After all it was hot as hell outside and I just wanted the fucking thing to work properly and not get my basement all wet. As I was siphoning nothing in my mind was telling me that this was a bad idea. I think somewhere out there in the cosmos something was watching me and telling my subconscious to shut up so they could have a nice laugh. I stop and look down into the pipe. AHH! I see it…it was dark, it just looked like built up gunk. A few more sucks and I would be good to go. So I firmly place my lips around the pipe again and suck…1…2…COUGH COUGH SPIT SPIT…CHOKE…some of the clog goes down my throat, but it’s all good. “YES!” I thought. I had successfully fixed my first household problem, it’s that same feeling you get when you learn to use the toilet for the first time. Until I felt an uneasy feeling in my stomach. Amazingly, at that point in time my subconscious had returned to me, and it was telling me something was wrong…really wrong. I slowly look down and see a mound of small to medium slugs crawling around!!! SLUGS!?! SLUGS I HAD JUST SPIT OUT OF MY MOUTH!?! SLUGS I HAD JUST SWALLOWED?!?! SON OF A *BARF* *VOMIT*… It still to this day makes me sick to my stomach… Guys who were in Vietnam got nothing on me.jessica rockwell
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Let me paint y’all a picture.

Young Johnny angry over a heated argument storms off of his fathers property. The golden locks of his country mullet strewn in the breeze as he makes haste towards the local Burger King to regain some energy. When none other then the Dark Lord him self appears before young Johnny…”not today partner” thinks Johnny…your not going to drink my blood!

The End.

You might just think that that’s a story cooked up by a kook with a keyboard…but in fact my friends this is the world we live in…

The Vampire Slayer (Read the whole thing…it’s so worth it.)

This has got to be today’s most awesome article.

Most possibly for the year…

(Setting: It’s late, we are tired. We are in the car, coming home from a long day out, Marvin Gaye lightly singing “I heard it through the Grapevine” on the radio. Actually as she points out it was on the XM radio, this is how the whole thing was able to transpire.)

Christeen: Ohhhh, I didn’t know Marvin Gaye sung this song…

Me: Yeah, it was him.

Christeen: You know who I thought sang it?

Me: (Confused) Yeah who do you think sang it?

Christeen: The California Raisins…

Me: Hahahahahaha…

(Christeen continues to sing and dance as she calls her boyfriend an a-hole for laughing at her.)